New Rules For 2006

(Someone posted this on a Metallica message board. This is HILARIOUS!):

New Rule 1: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason I haven't talked to these people for all these years: Because I didn't particularly like them when I was in high school, and I am certain that I'll like them even less now. Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule 2: Don't eat anything that's served to you through a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain....filet mignon? Luckily, it was only a finger! Had it been a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

New Rule 3: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot young teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: Lucky Bastards.

New Rule 4: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule 5: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. There's your flavored water.

New Rule 6: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule 7: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high and stupid.

New Rule 8: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Opie and Anthony Show" or "The Don and Mike Show."

New Rule 9: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule 10: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule 11 (and this one is long overdue): No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule 12: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place, I only asked to be polite.

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My comments on the NEW RULES:

New Rule 1: There are some people from high school whom I lost touch with, that I actually think about now and then , yet I ignore Classmates.com as well. I think I signed up a long-ass time ago, under the diress of my sister. We went to the same school.

New Rule 2: The finger in Wendy's chilli was a set-up, yet that rule is still hilarious. I recently heard a gross White Castle drive-through story, so I say abide by Rule 2.

New Rule 3: A man wrote this. I'm willing to bet the Ranch on it.

New Rule 4: See my comment on Rule 3.

New Rule 5: I'll never understand the flavored water thing myself.

New Rule 6: Starbucks coffee makes me major wired, so I've become a loyal Dunkin Donuts gal.

New Rule 7: I have a tatoo on the small of my back. It isn't a Chinese symbol, it is the Metallica Ninja Star. I picked because it has personal significance for me. A tattoo should be meaningful and representative of yourself, not trendy. My seconed tattoo won't be a Chinese symbol either. I know because I just picked it out.

New Rule 8: I thought competitive farting was dinner at the in-laws (just kidding!).

New Rule 9: What can I say here? He has a point. Making a TV show into a feature movie is as great a sin as a Brady Bunch 2-hour Reunion show that airs 10-15 years after the show went off-air. Or a Growing pains reunion, or The Nanny Reunion. The list goes on.

New Rule 10: I like Gift Registries because they let you know what to get the fussy best friend or random person who's party you were invited too (like a co-worker, this does happen). There was actually an episode of Sex & The City that touched on registries and how single people miss out because there isn't a "You're Single" shower. You had to have seen it. It was cleverly written and made every single woman I know sit back and think "They are right!" The point was, single women get the shaft because they aren't engaged or having children. Where are our free gifts?

New Rule 11: I agree with this. I'm perfectly capable of grabbing my own hand towels and dispensing my own soap. I learned how to do this as a toddler. What's next? Will someone offer to wipe my ass?

New Rule 12: This is terrific! He took the words right out of my mouth! I'm not going to tell you I'm 360 months old, so please use years and half years when divulging your child's age.