Happy Festivus!

With Festivus Pole in hand, here is my list of grievances for 2005.

*People who put more time into Reality TV and less time into their own reality
*Supervisors who micromanage and enjoy torturing their employees
*Yankee fans, all of them!
*90-year olds who win mega-millions: At that age do they really need all of that money?
*Gossipy people
*Selfish people
*Cheap people (Open your wallet, you can’t take it with you!)
*People who do not walk fast enough and are holding up everyone who is behind them (a HUGE rush hour pet peeve)
*Mean, nasty, spiteful people
*People who think their shit doesn’t stink, when in fact, it does

That list was off the top of my head. Maybe when I’m in a real pissed off mood I can air out some better grievances. Now to complete the Festivus celebration, I must perform feats of strength (which for me means walking into a COACH store and walking out without a new bag!)

Is There a Santa Claus?

This is one of my favorite Christmas stories. It dates back to 1897!

An 8-year old girl named Virginia was starting to doubt the existence of Santa Claus because her friends were telling her he is fictional. She asked her father, a doctor, if Santa does indeed exist. He wasn’t sure how to answer the question, so he told her to write a letter to the New York Sun newspaper. He assured his daughter that the Sun would have the correct answer.

Entitled “Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus,” here is the Letter to the Editor, and the Editor’s reply, as it appeared in the newspaper:

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus

Is There a Santa Claus?

We take pleasure in answering at once thus prominently the communication below, expressing at the same time our great gratification that its faithful author is numbered among the friends of The Sun:

Dear Editor--

I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. Papa says, "If you see it in The Sun, it's so." Please tell me the truth; is there a Santa Claus?

-- Virginia O'Hanlon, 115 West Ninety-fifth street.

Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except what they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men's or children's, are little. In this great universe of ours man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus. It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.

Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies! You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas Eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if they did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that's no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.

You may tear apart the baby's rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived, could tear apart. Only faith, fancy, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.No Santa Claus! Thank God! he lives, and lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.

Merry Christukahwanza!

Back in my day, if you were Catholic you celebrated Christmas, and if you were Jewish you celebrated Chanukah. Kwanza, at least for us, didn't exist.

I went to a Catholic elementary school. We lived in an Italian neighborhood, so it was "Merry Christmas," without question, from the moment Thanksgiving was over right up until it was time to say "Happy New Year." I attended a public high school, and just out of common sense, I would wish my Jewish friends a Happy Chanukah, and they would return the favor by wishing me a Merry Christmas. If someone said they didn't celebrate either holiday, or weren't religious, then I would wish them a Happy Holiday, in the name of spreading good cheer. We all did that. No one questioned it, at least not verbally. Today things have gotten out of hand.

In an effort to coddle people of all faiths, the PC-obsessed population is slowly chipping away at every Catholic/Christian tradition that I have ever known for my 30 years. The automatons otherwise known as reporters have been hyping up the debate: Do we allow prayer in school? Do we say Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays? Is it a Christmas Tree or a Holiday Tree? Ironically, I have yet to hear the words: "Is it a Menorah or a Holiday Candle Holder?" I am not putting down anyone of non-Catholic/non-Christian faith and/or their holidays. I'm just making a point: Catholics and Christians are getting the shaft because PC-obsessed liberals are afraid to offend those whose winter Holidays of faith have yet to be commercialized by Hallmark.

In my quest to make sense of this all, I Googled the Christmas tree. It didn't start out as a symbol of faith. Courtesy of HistoryChannel.com:

Long before the advent of Christianity, plants and trees that remained green all year had a special meaning for people in the winter. Just as people today decorate their homes during the festive season with pine, spruce, and fir trees, ancient peoples hung evergreen boughs over their doors and windows. In many countries it was believed that evergreens would keep away witches, ghosts, evil spirits, and illness.

In the Northern hemisphere, the shortest day and longest night of the year falls on December 21 or December 22 and is called the winter solstice. Many ancient people believed that the sun was a god and that winter came every year because the sun god had become sick and weak. They celebrated the solstice because it meant that at last the sun god would begin to get well. Evergreen boughs reminded them of all the green plants that would grow again when the sun god was strong and summer would return.

It didn't take long, however, to find a religious tie-in. FYI, all religious ties to the Christmas tree, found on Google, were to the Catholic and Christian faith. During this aspect of my research I learned that the Christmas Tree became a religious symbol for early Christians because its roots reach into the earth and its foliage points up to Heaven, reminding us of eternal life. Other legends surrounding the Christmas/Holiday tree incorporte Adam and Eve, and the birth and death of Jesus.* I have yet to find a tie-in to Chanukah, Kwanza or even Ramadan.

In closing, I will continue to celebrate my Christmas holiday the only way I have ever known, with no remorse or regrets to how I may not fit into this PC-scene. And if you see me, please wish me a Merry Christmas, as I am Catholic. If you are a loved one, you will find a gift from me under my Christmas tree, and your Christmas card will be in the mail. If you are Jewish, I will wish you a Happy Chanukah, and your greeting card will wish you a Happy Holiday, simply because I have yet to find a box of Happy Chanukah cards. Don't blame me for that, take it up with Hallmark. And don't forget to light your Holiday Candle Holder. Oppps....I mean your Menorah!



*http://ww2.netnitco.net/users/legend01/xmastree.htm

New Rules For 2006

(Someone posted this on a Metallica message board. This is HILARIOUS!):

New Rule 1: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason I haven't talked to these people for all these years: Because I didn't particularly like them when I was in high school, and I am certain that I'll like them even less now. Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule 2: Don't eat anything that's served to you through a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain....filet mignon? Luckily, it was only a finger! Had it been a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

New Rule 3: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot young teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: Lucky Bastards.

New Rule 4: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule 5: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. There's your flavored water.

New Rule 6: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule 7: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high and stupid.

New Rule 8: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Opie and Anthony Show" or "The Don and Mike Show."

New Rule 9: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule 10: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule 11 (and this one is long overdue): No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule 12: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place, I only asked to be polite.

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My comments on the NEW RULES:

New Rule 1: There are some people from high school whom I lost touch with, that I actually think about now and then , yet I ignore Classmates.com as well. I think I signed up a long-ass time ago, under the diress of my sister. We went to the same school.

New Rule 2: The finger in Wendy's chilli was a set-up, yet that rule is still hilarious. I recently heard a gross White Castle drive-through story, so I say abide by Rule 2.

New Rule 3: A man wrote this. I'm willing to bet the Ranch on it.

New Rule 4: See my comment on Rule 3.

New Rule 5: I'll never understand the flavored water thing myself.

New Rule 6: Starbucks coffee makes me major wired, so I've become a loyal Dunkin Donuts gal.

New Rule 7: I have a tatoo on the small of my back. It isn't a Chinese symbol, it is the Metallica Ninja Star. I picked because it has personal significance for me. A tattoo should be meaningful and representative of yourself, not trendy. My seconed tattoo won't be a Chinese symbol either. I know because I just picked it out.

New Rule 8: I thought competitive farting was dinner at the in-laws (just kidding!).

New Rule 9: What can I say here? He has a point. Making a TV show into a feature movie is as great a sin as a Brady Bunch 2-hour Reunion show that airs 10-15 years after the show went off-air. Or a Growing pains reunion, or The Nanny Reunion. The list goes on.

New Rule 10: I like Gift Registries because they let you know what to get the fussy best friend or random person who's party you were invited too (like a co-worker, this does happen). There was actually an episode of Sex & The City that touched on registries and how single people miss out because there isn't a "You're Single" shower. You had to have seen it. It was cleverly written and made every single woman I know sit back and think "They are right!" The point was, single women get the shaft because they aren't engaged or having children. Where are our free gifts?

New Rule 11: I agree with this. I'm perfectly capable of grabbing my own hand towels and dispensing my own soap. I learned how to do this as a toddler. What's next? Will someone offer to wipe my ass?

New Rule 12: This is terrific! He took the words right out of my mouth! I'm not going to tell you I'm 360 months old, so please use years and half years when divulging your child's age.